The text was received on a Friday afternoon when I was two states away from a family member.  The agony...  While I was no stranger to drinking, I had never received a text like this before. 

 

  Rewind 9 months earlier and I was the one who was drunk after a party where I had drunk too much too fast and made a fool of myself.  I was told the next day of some of the things I did and didn't even remember.  I always thought I was a normal drinker.  I held a great job, took care of myself financially, worked out and ate healthy.  Weekends would come and I would tie one on now and again depending on if there was a run that weekend or not.  I started drinking when I was in my early teens, my first drink was over at a friend’s whose father was a cop of all things.  I remember it tasting horrible and we filled up what we had drank from the hard liquor bottle with water.  After 16 it was with friends on weekends what I would consider typical teenage drinking.  I even had 2 minors in possession before I was 18.  Neither of these I was drunk, just seemed like the wrong place at the wrong time.  College also was the typical weekend of frat and house parties and all the time, as in my teens, I held a job, and my grades did not suffer.  After college I moved to a city where I felt free as ever.  I started dating a guy in sales and with sales was every other night drinking.  Even though my work hours were different than my boyfriends I made it work.  Until I did not.  I remember a time getting lost driving around in a not so great area and being unable to get out with all the one-way streets. All I could do was cry.

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  I was never a daily drinker, but most of the time when I did drink, I went all out.  I really didn’t want just one…..what was the point?  One night when I went out and had a sitter, I tied one on too soon and too hard and came home (not remembering much) except my son saying I was acting weird.  I woke up the next morning with the lowest of lows feeling.  I was mortified that people saw me that way, that I did not remember everything.  I vowed to take time off from drinking.  After reading a blog I ran across “This Naked Mind” by Annie Grace.  I read it in about two days (it’s recommended to read at a slower pace).  I had no desire to drink after that, I remember being so enlightened by the book and mind blown by thinking drinking helped my introverted shy self-have fun and be outgoing.  It only made me feel miserable and I know that now.

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  Thankfully, when I received the text I was on a “break” from drinking myself, so I had my wits about me to handle the situation.  After a welfare check and a conversation not all was bad as he was with his dad’s sober girlfriend.

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  Eventually for me, I would go back to having a few drinks.  I would resume drinking and I would take breaks for 1, 3, 6, months and it would end up as it was when I resumed.  There were moments wondering the next morning if I really should have drove. I started reading more and more books on other’s sobriety stories.  Self-help books also.  There still were the few occasions where I went all out and it cost me the whole weekend of time, junk food calories, lost sleep and feeling miserable.  Finding it difficult to moderate or even quit started to scare me.  I knew I liked myself better as a non-drinker.  I eventually signed up for an online program that was more than I wanted to spend, but I had a one on one coach.  It was cheaper than rehab I told myself. 

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  I really did not want to be numb for the remaining years I had my son living with me.  It was already flying by so fast.  After weeks of learning the materials the coach I had was great.  She said I was doing well and compared to most who could not get through a few days, I was well on my way.  I was happy about this.  I knew alcohol had zero benefit in my life, it just took a few tries for it to stick.